Did you know that over 45% of our population is single? That number is growing every year. Has this anything to do with the fear of commitment or the fear of abandonment? I did a lot of research on this topic and saw that this is becoming the number one reason for not committing to a partner. This generation has the luxury to be more involved in its own personal development and also the standard gender norms that society had 50 years ago, is slowly going away. We can make autonomous decisions because we can take care of ourselves. Not only is this the reason for us staying single much longer, but also the fear of abandonment and fear of commitment is a factor, often even though it is unconscious, the two are connected. If you recognise one of these factors in yourself, then most of the time you also have the other.
Interestingly enough, people with commitment issues attract people with the same problems. They create a dance between each other made up of “love fear”, which in essence is the fear of losing someone by getting too close. Because both partners are dancing the same dance, they never really have the deep level of intimacy between one another.
People with a fear of abandonment aren’t always aware of what they are doing because ultimately they are afraid of being abandoned. They attract partners that are less available or partners that aren’t as committed to them because unconsciously, they are scared to make a real commitment. They project onto their partner to put the focus on the other person, so they don’t put any energy in their own fears. They always ask confirmation from their partner, and as soon as they don’t get that, they panic. Besides that, they think it’s challenging to step out of this problematic relationship because having a relationship is better than being by yourself.
The fear of commitment if often more visible for the people around you then for yourself. For people with a fear of commitment, rapprochement with the other person is seen as a loss of their independence and causes suffocation. Everything that is about feeling these problematic emotions are pushed aside. They are avoiding real intimacy and dive into work, friends, and hobbies because they don’t have to face it. People with the fear of commitment make the distance between them and the other as big as possible. Still, as soon as the other decides they had enough and leave them, they go to the side of the fear of abandonment and do everything in their power to win that person back because they don’t want to be alone. This ‘dance’ can become endless.
The commitment issues often come from the way you learned how to bond in your childhood. The cause of the fear of commitment- and abandonment can, therefore, often be traced back to the first years of childhood.
Examples: Children that didn’t have any physical contact in their first weeks with their mom because they were in an incubator. Adopted children, kids that were abandoned by one or both parents, parents that weren’t emotionally available because they were dealing with difficult times like a significant loss or divorce. It’s also possible that a parent didn’t receive the love they needed in their childhood and they are then trying to get that part that is missing from their own childhood. The child can then experience feeling suffocated which leads to the fear of commitment.
A lot of people only realize this after a few relationships that the movie has the same script like the ones before. Only after this realization, they see it’s their own ‘fault’ and not visa versa. This reaction is reasonable because once you get hurt in your relationship, we tend to blame the other person at the beginning. A good question you can ask yourself is: If I leave this relationship, what am I leaving? What inside me is being touched that is difficult for me to feel? Or why do I cling onto this other person? What is it that I can’t do by myself?
Be available for the feelings that you may have suppressed for a very long time. Connecting with yourself again with your deepest vulnerabilities is the key to stopping the dance and start real love.
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